Funny Friday

I just wanted to share some funny jokes and quotes I’ve heard and read over the past few weeks. I love laughing and some of these are hilarious. I think so anyway :))

 

I’m a magical fairy. You can have two wishes.

What? But I want three wishes!

Very good, granted. You now have two wishes left.

Old people can’t fall asleep in their chair in peace. As soon as they start to nod off you go, “Nan! Nan!” They go, “What? What?” “Oh sorry we thought you’d just di…” (Lee Evans)

 

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.

Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.

Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.

Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?

A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!” (Billy Connolly)

 

She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…

He: Just call in sick then.

 

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

 

Are you two twins?

No, why do you ask?

Because mommy dressed you both in the same clothes.

OK that’s enough, your driver’s license please.

 

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. (Ellen Degeneres)

 

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…

“Mr Cook?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”

I said, “That’s bullshit – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”

 

A lot of people say there’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I don’t think there’s a fine line, I actually think there’s a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he’s not going home to invent a rocket, is he? (Bill Bailey)

 

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: Honesty.

Boss: I don’t consider that a weakness.

Me: I don’t give a f*ck what you think.

X Pip