Do Not Under Any Circumstances……..

Buy an item of clothing before trying it on. – I always imagine myself to be a size smaller than I actually am, so in turn I bring home the piece of clothing and it’s too tight.

Use a mobile phone whilst driving a car – This is actually against the law, yet I still see people do it all the time. How the hell can people drive with two hands when they’re talking on the phone?

Eating a massive dinner with a pudding at lunchtime – I have done this a few times recently, and felt jolly uncomfortable for the rest of the day.

Open a packet of Hobnob biscuits when you’re on a diet – One will never be enough!

Flap your hands when a bee approaches – I know bees can be scary but they just won’t hurt you if you walk away. Apparently, they get really narked if you flap around like some mad crazy person because they’ll think you want to kill them.

Take your phone into the bath – A few people I know have ruined their phones by dropping them during a long soak. It’s slippery in there, don’t do it!

Wear an ill- fitting bra for any length of time – One of the worst feelings in the world. You’ll be uncomfortable all day. Get the right fit for your scoobydoos.

Accept a friend request from a stranger on Facebook – I did this recently and unfortunately had my account hacked. Beware!

Divulge to anyone a piece of private information given to you in trust from a friend – A true friend would never do this.

Lend someone a book, CD or an item of clothing if you actually want it back. (I’m sorry Louise, I still have ‘Lord of the Rings’)

Drive in wet shoes – My uncle did this years ago and crashed his car. No one was injured thankfully, but it is a very risky thing to do. If your shoes are wet, wipe the underneath with a cloth before you turn on the engine or your feet might be slipping all over the pedals.

Walk down the stairs without using a handrail – I am the worst person for falling over. I use the handrail like I’m clinging on for dear life, which I am.

Use a grass Strimmer without wearing goggles or glasses – Those pesky shards of grass really hurt. Ouch!! Also, do not replace the little nylon twine-thing that cuts the grass but wears out every 10 minutes with a jerry-rigged piece of wire coat hanger in order to create am indestructible super-strimmer. It will indeed cut through grass, trees, bushes, the neighbour’s fence and anything it meets, but only until the motor explodes in flames.

Stroke a sleeping cat – If I stroke my cat when she’s sleeping she’ll try and rip my hand to shreds. Some cats are placid though, so it depends on their personality. My cat has issues!

Laugh at a joke that you don’t get –  your pride will be in ruins. The joke teller will undoubtedly ask you if you ‘got’ it, and you’ll have to admit you didn’t, because the joke teller will ask you to explain the joke. Just don’t go down this route, ever. If you don’t get the joke just say at the end “I don’t get it!” …Phew…

Have an extra glass of wine when you know you’ve had enough – If you do, you’ll be lying on your bed in the evening scared to close your eyes because the room will be spinning. It’s not worth it.

Shave your legs without foam or soap – Rashes and soreness galore.

Say you can play an instrument when you can’t – On one very unfortunate embarrassing day in the future, someone will place the said instrument in your lap and ask you to play it, and you won’t be able to. You’ll be blowing that trumpet with a face like a giant red beetroot and you’ll be struggling to breathe.

Use an exercise ball to do sit ups – Apart from looking like a total idiot, you will end up in a heap on the floor and your back will be buggered. I know, it’s happened to me.

Go on a boat trip on a choppy sea – This happened a few years ago on a day trip around the Greek island of Zante. It was absolutely awful. The sea was rocking and rolling, the fumes were billowing out the exhaust (or whatever it’s called), and I felt sick throughout. Go when it’s calm, if you must.


Walk for more than 200 metres in a new pair of shoes – I’ve done this more times than I’ve had hot dinners. You will have sore red blisters for weeks.

Have a very short haircut after having long hair – The shock is just too much, and you can’t put it back. Go for mid-length and get used to it.

Finally, do not make eye contact with a man whilst eating a banana. Especially my man.

X Pip


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