I was out with a friend yesterday having some lunch. I picked up the menu with a certain amount of trepidation anticipating the pretentious food explanations of which I am not very fond; which you may be already aware of. I tend to do this in restaurants now. I’ll pick up the menu, not for an in-depth food perusal of whats on offer, but a scan for the most cringe worthy food items on the list. If there are too many for me to cope with, I usually stick my fist in my mouth to hide the guffaws of laughter and contemplate running for the hills.
The restaurant in question had on offer a ‘Hand stretched pizza!’, yes, stretched with the hands. Well, how the fuck would you otherwise stretch a pizza; wrap its corner edge around the door frame and run across the kitchen. Of course we use hands to create food, we have been doing this for the last few million years. I also don’t give two hoots where my foods come from. If a piece of chicken has come from half way across the world; so bloody what! I’d be quite happy if it came from a farm down the road.
Also, the word ‘curated’ is used quite often as a fashionable description for the preparation of food in restaurants at the moment. It’s just another way of using a word to describe how the chef has put all your food together. Barking, I say!
So my mind has been running away with this thought for the last 24 hours and I’ve come up with a food menu that contains words and phrases I’ve come across over the last 6 months in restaurants and cafes. Some I’ve made up and others describe the ways their cooks have put the food together using various limbs.
Pip’s Premier Luncheonette
We endeavour to give you the best dining experience, incorporating the finest world class produce and made, when possible, with a variety of our perfect appendages.
Pedicured foot stretched pizzas made to order with the freshest ingredients.
Shank of lamb roasted over the dung of a Sri-Lankan elephant.
Vegetarian nut roast, lovingly made with 2 of the chef’s own nuts.
Deconstructed Beef Wellington with pastry flaked around the perimeter of your board, with your piece of 21 day old matured marble threaded beef festooned with a tirade of autumnal vegetables punctuated within.
Pig’s Trotter. Our Pig’s trotters have been monitored by our local farmer for their trottability. They trotted for at least 5,000 miles before they were exterminated, therefore giving the eater a more delicate and softer trotter.
Thrice fried chips made from Namibian sun bleached potatoes, coated in a tabascan seeded ensemble.
Traditional Yorkshire puddings cooked in small tins sprayed with Aqua-net. (Thank you for that idea, Allen T. St. Clair, at https://themidnightgoose.com
Foraged mushrooms picked at the break of dawn by insomniacs with a good heart and disposition.
Elbow pummelled mushy peas.
Gas-fired cherries sitting hand-in-hand with a bespoke vodka infused toffee compote.
Distressed coffee cake. Made with Colombian coffee beans and shouted at for 24 hours by the chef’s apprentice.
Eton Mess. A pudding infused with strawberries picked by the students at Eton College and thrown into a ceramic bowl with a force so great it creates a right royal fucking Eton Mess!
Profiteroles. A vesuvial mountain of miniature profiteroles enveloped in a cascade of Wiltshire whipped cream, (No hang on! Cream doesn’t come from Wiltshire, it’s ham. Whenever you glance at a menu from England lately it always announces that certain food items contain ‘Wiltshire ham’. Is it really from Wiltshire?? Is it fuck!
Chocolate pudding. A chocolate pudding with a head stretched sugar basket. We use only the finest heads with a greater circumference giving you a substantial sugar value for money experience.
Well that’s it. Pip’s pretentious menu. The most sickly sweet food offerings food list you could ever imagine, that would make you want to slap someone in the face, go right back home and fix yourself up a cheese and onion sandwich. They fill me with that much angst it’s even made me swear.
Bon Appetit x