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Hand Stretched Pizza

I was out with a friend yesterday having some lunch. I picked up the menu with a certain amount of trepidation anticipating the pretentious food explanations of which I am not very fond; which you may be already aware of. I tend to do this in restaurants now. I’ll pick up the menu, not for an in-depth food perusal of whats on offer, but a scan for the most cringe worthy food items on the list. If there are too many for me to cope with, I usually stick my fist in my mouth to hide the guffaws of laughter and contemplate running for the hills.

The restaurant in question had on offer a ‘Hand stretched pizza!’, yes, stretched with the hands. Well, how the fuck would you otherwise stretch a pizza; wrap its corner edge around the door frame and run across the kitchen. Of course we use hands to create food, we have been doing this for the last few million years. I also don’t give two hoots where my foods come from. If a piece of chicken has come from half way across the world; so bloody what!  I’d be quite happy if it came from a farm down the road.

Also, the word ‘curated’ is used quite often as a fashionable description for the preparation of food in restaurants at the moment. It’s just another way of using a word to describe how the chef has put all your food together. Barking, I say!

So my mind has been running away with this thought for the last 24 hours and I’ve come up with a food menu that contains words and phrases I’ve come across over the last 6 months in restaurants and cafes. Some I’ve made up and others describe the ways their cooks have put the food together using various limbs.

Pip’s Premier Luncheonette

We endeavour to give you the best dining experience, incorporating the finest world class produce and made, when possible, with a variety of our perfect appendages.

Mains:

Pedicured foot stretched pizzas made to order with the freshest ingredients.

Shank of lamb roasted over the dung of a Sri-Lankan elephant.

Vegetarian nut roast, lovingly made with 2 of the chef’s own nuts.

Deconstructed Beef Wellington with pastry flaked around the perimeter of your board, with your piece of 21 day old matured marble threaded beef festooned with a tirade of autumnal vegetables punctuated within.

Pig’s Trotter. Our Pig’s trotters have been monitored by our local farmer for their trottability. They trotted for at least 5,000 miles before they were exterminated, therefore giving the eater a more delicate and softer trotter.

Sides:

Thrice fried chips made from Namibian sun bleached potatoes, coated in a tabascan seeded ensemble.

Traditional Yorkshire puddings cooked in small tins sprayed with Aqua-net. (Thank you for that idea, Allen T. St. Clair, at https://themidnightgoose.com

Foraged mushrooms picked at the break of dawn by insomniacs with a good heart and disposition.

Elbow pummelled mushy peas.

Puddings:

Gas-fired cherries sitting hand-in-hand with a bespoke vodka infused toffee compote.

Distressed coffee cake. Made with Colombian coffee beans and shouted at for 24 hours by the chef’s apprentice.

Eton Mess. A pudding infused with strawberries picked by the students at Eton College and thrown into a ceramic bowl with a force so great it creates a right royal fucking Eton Mess!

Profiteroles. A vesuvial mountain of miniature profiteroles enveloped in a cascade of Wiltshire whipped cream, (No hang on! Cream doesn’t come from Wiltshire, it’s ham. Whenever you glance at a menu from England lately it always announces that certain food items contain ‘Wiltshire ham’. Is it really from Wiltshire??  Is it fuck!

Chocolate pudding. A chocolate pudding with a head stretched sugar basket. We use only the finest heads with a greater circumference giving you a substantial sugar value for money experience.

Well that’s it. Pip’s pretentious menu. The most sickly sweet food offerings food list you could ever imagine, that would make you want to slap someone in the face, go right back home and fix yourself up a cheese and onion sandwich. They fill me with that much angst it’s even made me swear.

Bon Appetit x

 

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12 Comments

  • M.L. James

    I’d like a ruffled corny dog placed in a gentle sauna using only the finest water Fiji has to offer and then it needs to be blessed by leaders of every major religion and cursed by every head of every minor religion (to give it an edge)! Oh, and I’ll have an ice cold can of coke to go with that please. Can I get this for under 100 US dollars?

    That’s the thing about these froo froo menu items is that they describe these things as such so they can justify raising the price astronomically. Aioli sounds so much more “less common” than mayonnaise. Though mayonnaise has to be a French term, right?

    Mona

    • Pip

      Very good with your Fijian water ????????. I had to check up on the origins of mayo and people that live on the island of Menorca in the Spanish Balearics claim it comes from there! But the French question that. Interesting though x

  • M.L. James

    BTW, Great post, Pip! We need investigative journalists like you who are out there blowing the lid wide open on this whole restaurant industry designed to get every last dime we own for a simple battered hot dog/sausage and a can of coke and make us like them for doing it! There is a whole field of psychology related to this! These insidious people know what they hell they are doing and they are serious — not to get too conspiracy-theory oriented about it! BUT THEY ARE OUT THERE AND THEY ARE OUT TO GET US!
    Cheers!
    Mona
    🙂

    • Pip

      It does make me angry, but I find it more hilarious than anything. They are using words that have no context in the sentence. But I’m a bit of a grammar snob. Some people find it wonderful. I have a friend on fb, who makes food herself and uses these terms, which I find so funny, but I’d never say ????????????

  • Sarah

    Hahaha, I love it.
    I’m not hungry anymore thanks… the menu alone was just so full of it.
    But that’s marketing for ya. All the extra money we pay at these places goes straight toward stuffing the manager’s ego! ????

  • Sarah

    Actually a kind of tragic element about the fact that they advertise hand stretched pizza is that, it’s possible for it to NOT be hand stretched pizza. It could be some gross premade crust. Just like “cheese crackers! Made with real cheese!” Redundant advertising helps us feel like maybe what we’re eating is food after all…
    Reminds me of this, I just saw it today:
    https://youtu.be/KLHRjaUBb3o

  • Adie

    This is a riot! I agree, a lot of places (not just restaurants) are really trying to flower-up the language to make it seem like more than it really is. There is nothing wrong with being direct and simple–I think most diners will appreciate it.

    Although, my culinary background urges me to explain–some pizza places use a roller (either machine or rolling pin) to stretch their dough. This can overwork the dough, resulting in a tough and chewy product. Hand-stretched (without the aid of a roller) tends to avoid that problem and many people think it’s better. That’s why they specify their dough is hand-stretched; there really are handless ways to stretch a pizza.

    Still, there’s not really a reason to list it as such. You’re already there. You’re not going to sit down, look at the menu, and say, “Oh, their pizza doesn’t specify it’s hand stretched! We better find somewhere else to go!” and leave. If people really care (most casual diners don’t know the difference), they can just ask.

  • Tracy

    “Traditional Yorkshire puddings cooked in small tins sprayed with Aqua-net”. SacreBleu! Why this menu she is a travesty! I cannot possibly eat at your restaurant. C’est dommage. I was looking for a recipe for stuffed quail sous vide. I am offended and must now take my leave. You may pass me a small bun with a pat of butter as I make my exit with a grandiose flourish and flounce. Hmph!

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